It – 4.21.24

I host a small group on Monday evenings, “Singles in their 40s & 50s”. We have been meeting since September, becoming good friends.

A couple of weeks ago, one of the guys was sharing of recent events when he turned to me with, “Can I ask you a personal question?” I said, “Sure” (…wondering what I was walking into).

“Are you dating anyone?”

Ahhh, that question.

That’s an easy one…

“No, I am not dating anyone.”

And then, ‘the pause’ – that in between time when I wonder if I should elaborate or….

Instead of elaborating, I returned the question, “Are you still dating the gal you spoke of in December?” Nnnope. He shared why that didn’t work out, which opened it back up to me, as he asked why I was not dating.

When I answered, I kind of just scratched the surface. Truly answering the “why” is not a two-sentence answer. Okay, maybe it is for most people in the world, but I am not physically capable. 😉

I responded with, “I’ve met some really amazing guys, but finding the *right one* isn’t simple. My mom would say I’m too picky but I don’t think so. Finding people who say they are ‘Christian’ isn’t hard. It’s finding people who love the Lord with all of their heart and I can see, on the daily, that they strive to live for the Lord, which is tough.”

He agreed, “It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.”

To that, we all agreed.

That exchange segued into a convo about dating apps and finding plenty of ‘Christians’ you don’t think you’d be attracted to OR plenty of those you feel are attractive, but who are not Christian.

Apparently, I am the only one in our group not on a dating app. I knew it was common, but I didn’t realize I was such the minority! I don’t rule it out forever, but I’ve tried it in the past; it’s really, really hard for me to *actually* swipe right. I found myself not able to lift my finger off the screen and commit to the swipe! With one exception, I would carefully push each profile back to where it was…make sure it wasn’t going to accidentally flip to the right…and then swipe left.

Okay, maybe my mom is more right than wrong.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

No.

I stand firm: I am not too picky.

I just know what I am longing for…and I have yet to discover it.

What is “it”?

Gosh, it seems like it should be so simple and common place and straightforward!!….but it isn’t.

The answer:

I n t e g r i t y

I mean, yes, I want what everyone wants in terms of all the usual boxes to check. But integrity is actually a three-part series.

It’s really what I hope would become a prequel; within a marriage, everyone should have the trifecta! But, I believe, in order for there to be a trifecta in marriage, there must first be a trifecta in dating.

Wait, what…?

Let me try it this way:

I believe in order to get the trifecta of intimacy within a marriage, as God has designed, you must first lay the groundwork in your dating relationship with a trifecta of integrity in three areas:

Emotional

Spiritual

and

Physical

and THAT is tough to find.

It seems too easy for people to shrug off blurring the lines of integrity with excuses and justifications, especially in today’s culture.

Emotional Integrity is foundational, yet matters of the heart can be very complex. We all have back stories which have cultivated our level of confidence as well as the depth of our fears, often dictating how much we are willing to share our heart. How much access we allow another can be scary as it opens the door to potential hurt. But the rewards! Oh, the rewards to be enjoyed if we are on the same page and able to be authentic and transparent with our feelings. ❤

Be true to your word.

Don’t speak it if you don’t feel it…but DO speak what you do feel, even if it isn’t easy to hear.

Be true to yourself by understanding and owning your feelings, desires, and hopes.

Emotional Integrity will foster a deep bond, creating a much-needed foundation of trust and authenticity.

Spiritual Integrity also seems pretty straightforward. Do you name Jesus as your Lord and Savior? Awesome! But there’s this daily byproduct of an imperfect soul who loves Jesus, lives for Jesus and puts Him first, that should then be present.

So often, too often, a well-meaning person will check the box: Christian.

You want more than a checked box! It isn’t asking too much to want more than just the title. You should see, sense and know one is a follower of Jesus without the title ever needing to be claimed. And, of course, we should hope to convey the same.

We should be true to our word as a testimony to our faith in Him.

If the ultimate goal is to marry…which, if you are dating, that should be the goal..

**side note: a dating relationship isn’t for kicks and giggles, you’re not just coasting and having fun; if you want to just have fun, go play pickle ball. If you want to just have fun, join some MeetUps with peeps who have similar interests. 🙂 When choosing to start a dating relationship, you are asking to have the heart of another placed in the palms of your hands. That is to be given great care, thought and intentionality**

aand (stepping off of my little soapbox) we’re back..

…God gets center placement.

Maintaining spiritual integrity is intentionally working to keep God at the top of the relationship (and eventual marriage) triangle: as two people lean into the Lord and closer to God, they move toward each other. If two people move away from God, they will, ultimately, move away from each other.

When Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they alienated themselves from each other, with Adam blaming Eve for just about everything (Gen 3:7, 12). Enjoying a marriage according to God’s design (the BEST design, ever, that goes beyond our capacity of understanding!!!) must include a daily walk with Him. Spiritual Integrity encompasses more than just being honest. It means staying true to your faith and living by a moral compass defined by His Word.

…which segues beautifully into Physical Integrity.

Okay, ready for this…because I can assure you, I probably match about .03% of the population when I think this next thought…

I don’t believe a first or second or third date obligates a goodnight kiss.

I can practically hear some of the reactions:

“Yyyeah, see ya…”

“What are you…stuck in the 1800’s???”

“Wait, what?…don’t you want to know if there’s chemistry?”

If I am going on a second or third date, there’s probably chemistry to compel me to go. 🙂

But THAT kind of chemistry is not what makes a relationship solid.

That kind of chemistry should be the byproduct of cultivating a committed and monogamous relationship…and with limits.

That kind of chemistry makes a connection, not a relationship.

It’s tough to grow into best friends who choose to have

the grit…

and the commitment…

and the intentionality…

and the loyalty…

to do life together, when it inevitably ebbs and flows with challenges and blessings, if the starting line is a physical connection, taking precedent over the heart.

Chemistry is fun and exciting and important, but it isn’t enough and it isn’t sustaining.

Nope.

Call me old fashioned till the cows come home, but a kiss is a bond. It is not to be shared lightly or two hours after meeting someone.

A kiss seals the deal: you want to intentionally pursue a relationship that is deeply meaningful and, above all, glorifies the Lord.

An excuse here…

a justification there…

and before you know it, you need to do some pretty solid self-reflection and decide how you truly want to live.

For the moment?
Or for eternity?

While I have focused on dating for the bulk of this post, the matter of integrity applies *everywhere* in our lives!

It goes beyond honesty.

It goes beyond what people see on the surface.

Does what you think and say match your soul and the core of your heart?

Is your integrity conveyed in your words, your tone, your face, your posture, your actions, your reactions..?

Do you blur the lines of integrity to blend into the narrative around you?

Do you make concessions because it’s easier to do so than to stand firm in what you know to be true?

I don’t ask these things without challenging my own heart.

I absolutely ‘claim’ to be Christian. I am not just choosing a title, I love Jesus!…and try to work *against* myself and *for* the Lord. That means a daily surrender. That means learning and knowing and seeking the face and heart of the Lord. How does one become like another without knowing them?

But I am so far from perfect; nobody is perfect and nobody is going to ‘get it right’ all of the time. But what an amazing thing, to try. To have the desire. To want to strive for the very best, which is what Jesus wants for you, too! (John 10:10)

Give yourself, and everyone else, a whole lot of grace for the past and the present…but think about your future. What do you want it to look like? I promise you, working for and maintaining a standard of integrity in all areas of your life and choosing to shape your personal world so that the choices you make will better reflect the heart of Jesus, will result in a life of blessings beyond your imagination.

God will honor your efforts, your intentions, your victories and even (what you may feel are) your set backs as you seek to daily live for Him.

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9

❤