Lately, Saturdays have included cheering my third daughter on at her soccer games! It has been a few years since any of my girls have participated in a team sport; I had forgotten how much I enjoy relaxing and watching them play!
At a recent game, I was seated in my fold-out camp chair enjoying the sunshine and watching my daughter on the field, when I could not help but notice the couple seated next to me; their conversation was impossible to ignore as we were seated within arm’s reach.
Initially, I was impressed with their connection and how very obviously ‘in tune’ they were with one another. Without making a massive overgeneralization, it isn’t often that I see the sweetness and intentionality I found displayed between these two.
In my mind I thought, “Our daughters are of similar age…16-17. So they have probably been married 18-20 years or more. How awesome to see a couple still so sweetly in love and acting with such thought and intention!”
- He adjusted the umbrella to shield her from the sun, which she welcomed with a smile and deep gratitude.
- She offered him a protein bar in his *favorite* flavor, which he immediately noticed and exclaimed to be so sweet and thoughtful!
- He verbally rearranged his schedule to accommodate her unexpected busyness for the week to come and they made sure to pencil in time for lunch and a date night.
- She reached for his hand to intertwine her fingers with his and tilted her head to listen intently, each and every time he spoke.
Not a moment was missed by either, not a single opportunity to be loving or kind slipped by without being taken advantage of.
The world around them seemed to be a flurry of freeze frames and sound bites, which went unnoticed, as they connected and doted on each other.
Just as I was marveling over how years of marriage had not dimmed the glow of their love, I wondered if, indeed, they were married…. OR were they newly dating?
I instantly felt badly.
Why be negative?
Isn’t it possible to still be sweet and thoughtful after so many years of marriage?
And then…
He spoke of HIS kids and the experiences he has had with sports and she replied about HER kids and their different personalities.
Boom.
Dating.
And newly so.
I felt a mixture of disappointment that they had not been married for years aaaand, admittedly, satisfaction that my hunch was correct.
I don’t think it is an impossibility to maintain the extraordinary thoughtfulness and sweet gestures so easily poured out at the start of a relationship. But it takes choosing to do so.
Since childhood, I have been an observer of people. I learn from their mistakes and I learn from their triumphs.
I have been walking the Single Path for eleven years now. Along the way, I have observed every kind of relationship from newly budding to tired and worn down. Having done so, there are many things I wish upon the world when it comes to relationships, but hovering near the top of that list is this: never stop learning, always be a student of the one before you.
Whether it is a friendship, a work relationship, a new love interest or a spouse you’ve been waking up to for decades, do all you can to maintain that eagerness to know more!
Reflecting back on the couple at the soccer field, it became quite clear they are at the start of their relationship. Their words and actions repeatedly illustrated how they had the other’s favorites, needs and wants at the forefront of their minds. When two people are just beginning to know each other, every detail is noticed. We learn and remember favorite foods, what makes them laugh, the stories that make them who they are…no stone is left unturned.
Sometimes, I daresay – often times – as days, weeks and months elapse, a level of comfort settles in and the eagerness to learn begins to wane.
Instead of writing things off as “that’s just what happens”, my challenge to you is simple: If you want to better love the person you love, keep your eyes open and your mind alert to learning something new every day.
It doesn’t have to be earth shattering!
It can be as simple as noticing a new song which has become a favorite.
Listen intently when they share about moments from their day – you will learn about their experiences and what their heart is managing.
You don’t have to labor over ‘what do I ask?’; simply being intent on listening and hearing to understand will give opportunities to organically ask questions and dig a bit into the heart and mind of the one before you.
When you invest the time to be attentive and listen…
When you choose to notice something new or recall something old…
If you keep your heart, eyes and mind open to being a life-long learner of the one you love…
You will love them better.
You will love them more sweetly, intimately, thoughtfully and intentionally.
You will love them in such a way that your relationship cannot help but be beautifully blessed.
Having been married and now divorced…
Having seen too many couples slowly fall apart and go separate ways…
Having witnessed some of the sweetest marriages stand the test of time…
I am deeply sensitive to and aware of how very dear the honor & gift of loving another is but it takes likeminded selflessness, humility, intentionality and a relentless pursuit of what you both are meant to experience.
It is doable and it is possible! Make it a point to go back to being a student. Take mental notes, ‘study’ even what you think you already know, dig into things you may have taken for granted, never let your curiosity and thirst for ‘knowledge’ waiver.
And.
This applies to everyone you come into contact with. Obviously, you are not cultivating the level of emotional intimacy you desire with your spouse with your hairdresser. But when we are in conversation with another, do we walk away with something learned? Do we walk away having left that person feeling heard and understood?
There is a young barista with whom I have had casual conversations over time while awaiting my cup o’ joe; such a kind and amiable guy. From those exchanges, I know – among other things – that his birthday is December 17th, he always wanted a swim party but never got one and he wishes his birthday were any other month because it always gets lumped in with Christmas.
Guess what my girls & I are doing on December 17th?
I’ll keep you posted 🙂
leisaanncollins.com 