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It is estimated, from the moment we wake, until we fall fast asleep, upwards of 30 – 35k choices are made throughout the day.

If, on average, someone is awake for 16 hours, that works out to roughly 1–2 decisions every couple of seconds, counting micro-choices like where to look, what to think about next, or whether to keep scrolling. Only a fraction of these are deliberate “big” decisions; most are small, habitual, and handled quickly by automatic mental processes.

Confession: I probably add to that number by a couple of hundred decisions.

It is a poor habit and one I am trying to break.

I add to that number by making decisions for others; I anticipate and pre‑decide for others with, “they are probably busy and can’t see me,” “she’ll say no,” “he’ll be annoyed”.

I know me. These are fast, automatic ways to reduce uncertainty and protect my heart from rejection or possibly inconveniencing someone. I am “so kind and thoughtful”…but it is at the cost of myself and the other person, who may very well want to make the time for me.

I know I am not alone in this habit. This tendency to forecast can occur many times a day in small ways:

• choosing not to text
• opting not to invite
• changing what is said due to anxiety or being highly sensitive to social cues.

Why do those of us who do this, do this…? Silently deciding others’ preferences or words without checking, is a habit that has been formed over time because predicting others’ behavior offers a safety net and conserves effort; we fill in what others “will” do to spare ourselves and the other person involved any possible chance of disappointment, frustration or discomfort.

I have no doubt I have justified this habit in the past with my propensity for selflessness. I am most often thinking of everyone around me first.

What do YOU want for dinner?

What would YOU like to do?

Where would YOU like to go…?

Unless it’s, “I want to visit the reptile museum and try the new Indian place down the street..”, I’ll make it work. (Not a huge fan of curry….)

But.

One massive detail I neglect when making these decisions for others is this:

For as much joy as I get when I say or do something to please another, I am stealing that person’s joy by not allowing them to do the same or similarly, for me.

Beyond that, for as much value as I receive when cultivating a friendship…why do I not remember that I add value to the other person’s heart and life as well?

How about you?

Do you make decisions for other people?

Do you decide if the other person will want to hang out?

Go on a date?

Receive your text?

Be open to a friendship/relationship?

Hear your heart?

Rejection stinks.

I have been knocked down by the rejection of people who should have been protectors of my heart, not predators, four too many times. (no typo)

And yet, I keep getting back up again.

I make a concerted effort NOT to decide for others, and even bigger, for God Almighty, what should or should not happen.

Who am I to try and determine an outcome? So often it is those moments we run towards, with a submissive spirit and a bit of reckless abandon, which bring the sweetest and most unexpected rewards!!

Don’t lose heart! Don’t let fears, past hurts or rejections keep you from the opportunity to embrace tomorrows joys & triumphs.

You have so many moments ahead when you will have the pleasure and utter joy of being used to deposit into the heart of another.

AND…

You have countless moments ahead when God will use another to..

Encourage you.

Delight your spirit.

Challenge your thinking. (that’s a good thing!)

Offer companionship.

Bring a sweet smile to your face.

Bubble up a giggle in your heart.

Build your feelings of self-worth.

Listen.

Be still.

Love you.

Send the text, suggest that coffee, ask for the date, share your heart.

Be open to outcomes you haven’t imagined or orchestrated on your own.

We miss every single shot we don’t take…and it’s not cool to steal the ball from others.

So what’re you gonna do…..?

The choice is yours. 😉

Recently, I got my feelings hurt.

It happens, right?

In the moment, I was dumbfounded. Mostly, I realize in reflection, because I had expectations I didn’t know I had.

“Expectations breed disappointment” is a quote I often share with my girls. Hopes? Awesome…go to town with those hopes. But manage expectations because circumstances and people are not always predictable.

Several weeks back, I sent a voice text regarding a choice I needed to make to step down from a position. The decision was difficult for me; I am def one who has a history of being hyper-concerned about disappointing others. I felt my choice to step down was going to disappoint several people, making the decision, and pulling the trigger, rough.

This voice message should have been easy…

I’m out.

Right?
Noooo! Do you even KNOW me?? 😉

I felt it was important to explain my why…and perhaps, in doing so, prime the pump for the next one stepping up.

It took four tries to send this voice message.

Four.

Not because I was indecisive – I was decided. But because I really, REALLY tried to be precise and not take too much time…share with efficiency but share completely, as this was my one shot.

I failed again and again and again until, on the fourth try, I just hit send.

I had hopes my message would be received okay, in spite of length, for two reasons:

1. The receiver of the message, while not someone I spend time with, is one I would have called a ‘friend’; I felt comfortable calling upon them in the past when it came to a need for one of my girls. Consequently, perhaps it felt too much like a ‘safe space’.
2. Beyond any kind of friendship, I believe I thought part of their job was to listen. Certainly regarding this particular circumstance, I thought shedding light and providing details would have been welcomed. Again, a safe space.

I was mistaken. And that’s okay…it just really bummed me out.

I fully own my message was long, born of a trifecta:

• I was driving…wwway too easy to keep talking when you’re just boppin’ along.
• I was anxious; feeling sad that I had to make the choice I did. My heart was overwhelmed with the decision.
• I care. A LOT. I care about the people I work with and am in communication with. Leaving a quick, “I’m out” kind of message not only isn’t in my DNA, it would have done such a disservice to the people who are part of my heart.

So. My message spanned a solid 7 minutes of time. And this was after three previous attempts to dial it down!

I don’t know how else I could have personally shared my thoughts and walked away feeling heard. As it turns out, it didn’t matter…I wasn’t heard.

With no response, I messaged to follow up as the circumstances necessitated it.

Still didn’t hear back, so several days later I emailed.

I got a response to my email, which I appreciated…eventually. It took me a few minutes because I was prideful, I was frustrated and I was hurt.

The ‘safe space’ was an expectation I didn’t actively think about, but had put on this person unfairly, apparently.

The email response was detailed and addressed the circumstances as a whole, but it took me a couple of reads to digest as one sentence alone provoked feelings I am sure the sender never intended.

I felt dismissed.

I felt as if my thoughts and heart were not worth being listened to as they acknowledged they hadn’t bothered to hear all of what I had shared.

I felt ridiculed by a tone I very well could have been assigning to her words, but as the message felt mocking, I struggled with hearing it objectively.

I felt unheard and not at all valued; as if it didn’t matter that my message was left incomplete and not responded to.

I responded to the email with what was needed – but my heart was so sadly disappointed.

Here’s the really cool part:

God uses everything.

Especially the tough stuff.

God used this to remind me of who He created me to be (caring, thoughtful, thought-filled, loving, kind, well-intended….) and the ways we ALL can be used as vessels through which He loves people, when we take time ~ INVEST time ~ to actively listen and be present with another.

Our society has evolved into one which is easily impatient. Phones give us the world at our fingertips, with just about everything we come across on the daily being designed for efficiency and immediate results.

Drive-thru’s are meant to get you in and out! Chick Fil A’s parking lot and drive-thru are no joke; they have it down to a science! (Wondering when Trader Joe’s will hop on that bandwagon…)

Amazon can get you what you want within hours.

Gone are the days of having to wait a *whole week* to watch the next episode of your fave show…you can binge watch seasons at a time!!

Text messages go through instantly, leaving one to feel dismayed if there isn’t a swift response… or worse still, left on “read”.

Just about everything we do and experience is catered to a quick and efficient lifestyle, which sounds great. But there is so much beauty lost in the shuffle.

When it comes to people, we need to slow down.

We need to dial down assumptions, lose expectations, listen with intention and digest what is heard without judgment.

Recently, I popped into Walmart to grab a couple of items. As I walked towards the exit, I paused to have my receipt checked and highlighted.

The gentleman at the door said, “Hello…” and reached for my receipt. As I handed it to him, I responded with, “Hi…how are you today?”.

He paused to glance up at me, marked my receipt, and proceeded to tell me about a portion of his day and how grateful he is.

I listened for those few moments and said, “That sounds wonderful…thank you for sharing…” and turned to walk away.

But before I could do so, he said, “Hey – you’re different, I can tell…cuz nobody ever asks me how I am…thank you for that – have a good day!”

I encouraged him to do the same, smiled a goodbye and went on about my afternoon.

Prior to that, I used to fly up to the Bay Area 2-3 times a month; I had my routine down pat: land, take the shuttle to the rental car area, pick up my car, go.

Almost every time, I encountered the same guy at the exit gate to do the look over of my rental car. His name was Roman…probably in his late 60’s. One time, as he was checking my rental, I said, “I haven’t seen you recently, have you been okay?”

He’d been on leave because he’d had a heart attack and underwent surgery. He shared with me about his experience and his recovery…that he is all alone, no family, but his roommate was kind enough to help him. We finished that convo and off I went.

The next time I came through, Roman was at the gate. When he saw me pull up, his face lit up with a bright smile, “KIMBERLY!! (my legal name) it is so good to see you! Where you been??”

So we caught up for a few minutes, I asked how he’d been feeling and he asked how work was going. As I was about to drive away, he shared, “I am happy when I see you. You always ask how I am. I don’t have many people who care about how I am…”

Gosh.

When Roman said, “I don’t have many people who care how I am…”, my heart broke just a bit as I realized how much our brief exchanges meant to him. Me investing just a few minutes to hear him, his heart, of his experiences…to look him in his eyes, pause my world for a few moments and be available…that investment buoyed his spirit and encouraged his heart.

Do you ever pause to think how beautifully impactful you are with a simple investment of time?

I used to have a friend who measured everything by how much it cost…

“How much did that run you?”

“Well, that must have set you back a bit…”

“Wow, what did that cost you?”

We saw things differently.

Yes, be wise & mindful of your spending, but my outlook was always, “It isn’t so much about the financial cost; this was an investment in the relationship”.

That holds truth whether you’ve invested a dime or invested your time.

The impact of that investment can change the trajectory of a person’s day. Your time may strengthen another’s feelings of self worth, offer a sense of security & belonging and quite simply give that person the gift of being seen, known and heard. You can’t put a price tag on that!

I read an article recently which spoke of the dangers of AI and the false relationship it offers to those feeling lonely and seeking connection. I don’t know how accurate the stats were, but it mentioned something like 72% of U.S. teens have tried an AI companion (chatbots for personal convos), and about 52% use one regularly, with adults ranging between 19-21%. If the more accurate figures are even HALF these, this is devastating news.

We have the power to strengthen a person’s resolve to get through a day, season or circumstance. We don’t even need to know the details!…just being a listening ear, a set of eyes to look into, a heart that cares, is an invaluable gift that we can give on the daily!

When you feel the nudge to pause and lean in, do it.

When you see a person calling out for acknowledgement with a simple glance, say hello.

When you need to be seen, known and heard, yourself…reach out.

I would love to hear you.

Every now and then, or perhaps more than I care to admit, I will deny the fact that I have a ton of work to do by watching reels on Instagram. I am a fan of the doggo reels. 🙂

On Friday of last week, I watched a reel of a gentleman, much older than I, perhaps in his 80s?… He was proudly and happily and adamantly proclaiming that part of his longevity was due to….

drum roll please….

6 second kisses!

As I watched him speak, with twinkling eyes and a face etched with lines which each held a story, I found myself delighted by his delight.

How sweet, for a man of his age, his wife by his side, to speak of the benefits sweet kisses and hugs can give. He confidently proclaimed it is a proven fact that kisses, no less than 6 seconds long, and hugs…more like 20 seconds long, add at least 4 years to a life.

As he got into science…oxytocin released in the brain, etc. I was intrigued by his enthusiasm, so I did a little digging. The man in the reel is John Gottman, a marriage and family counselor and his wife, Julie, is a clinical psychologist. His “6 Second Rule” was the catalyst for all sorts of studies. One such study of 70,000 people across the globe illustrated that small gestures of affection and love throughout the day have a major impact on long term happiness and the success of a relationship.

Okay, forgive me.

I am not trying to be callous here…

But….really?

Did it really take a study of 70,000 people around the world to confirm that hugs and kisses are a good and beneficial thing? Am I being unkind? That is so not my intent.

I didn’t grow up in a home that included affection, verbal or physical. Hugs and “I love you’s” didn’t begin until my mid 20s, when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and given three weeks to live.

It’s amazing how the prospect or reality of ‘never again’ can change your habits to, ‘no better time than now’! After that diagnosis, hugs & kisses and ‘I love you’ were as common as breathing in and out…and I so cherish that I had even the very little time that I did.

To me, even though I did not grow up in an affectionate household, it is a given that hugs & kisses are a no-brainer! But then as I pondered Gottman’s 6 Second Rule over the next few days, I thought, “Hold up, waaaait a minute…. what does this mean for someone like me?”

I have been solo for 12 years now…

12 x 365 + 3 days for leap years…

That’s 4,383 days of missed X’s & O’s!

If getting that affection adds to a life, then ….

I’m a goner.

Except here’s the thing…

God isn’t watching my life unfold with, “Awww, shoot. She should have been remarried by now…she’s taking yyeeears off her life! How am I gonna turn this one around…?”

Nope.

God’s got me. And my oxytocin levels. 😉

Everyone feels voids here and there – we are human and we are wired by Almighty God to want and need companionship.

Sometimes, we feel that void as a result of being single.

Other times, that void is felt, single or not, even as we are out and about, in a room full of people.

It is easier said than done to ‘solve the problem’ of loneliness. Solitude can be a lovely, rejuvenating experience. But loneliness can bring with it all sorts of emotions and thoughts attacking our feelings of self-worth.

There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely; it’s natural and human. Depending on your mindset, it can be a catalyst for action! Use the depth of that loneliness to push you towards something you’ve pondered but didn’t quite have the gumption to do.

Join some groups with people of similar interests.

Be honest about your feelings and share them with another, in whose hands you can trust your heart. They may be able to step up in ways they didn’t know you needed.

Maybe try the app you’ve thought about (says the girl who cannot commit to a swipe right…but you can be braver than I…I believe in you)

Send the text…or better yet, go old school and make a phone call!!

Pray about it.

Let’s be really raw and honest here: longing for a void to be filled, whether single OR married, can be exhausting, discouraging and frustrating.

Just because we have learned how to manage things well, doesn’t mean that doing so isn’t hard.

But isn’t it encouraging to remember:

God knows the number of hairs on your head… Luke 12:7

We can cast ALL of our anxieties on Him, because He cares… 1 Peter 5:7

The Lord goes before you and will not leave, nor forsake you… Deuteronomy 31:8

He will give us rest… Matthew 11:28

With faith, we can have assurance of things hoped for… Hebrews 11:1

Are you getting the idea yet?

God loves you so very dearly!

He cares for you in ways your brain cannot possibly fathom!

On days when you are feeling lost or alone, own those feelings. Cry out to the Lord and tell him, down to the tiniest of details, what you so long for! He wants to hear ALL of it. He wants to be in communication with you and then work on your behalf. He is going to delight in delighting you!! ❤

You don’t always have to be tough and strong and brave. That’s what I sometimes do.

But I have four daughters and I don’t want my girls to think all you have to do is be tough and strong and brave; there is so much beauty to be found and experienced in seasons of weariness and weakness.

Being authentic with my heart and feelings, in front of my girls, gives them the opportunity to see how God shows up. And he ALWAYS DOES.

They need to see that their mom is so darn human!

Makes mistakes.

Feels discouraged.

Could use a hug.

Prays.

And then praises.

Same with you… you have people in your world who see all that you manage. And they admire you. It is not lost on them, the effort, energy, faith and trust you pour into each day.

So.

Now what…?

If you’re married… go give that guy or girl of yours a hug!!! A 20+ second embrace and lots of sweet kisses with undivided attention so that they feel seen and known and heard and loved.

If you’re single…get a puppy.

HA!

Kidding…kidding…I’m totally kidding.

Seriously?…keep walking in faith, even if, sometimes that means simply facing in the right direction.

Be intentional about keeping your heart, mind and ears open to seeing, recognizing and hearing the God incidents meant to encourage your heart and soul!….because moments will arise when God whispers your name through the words of another, a kind gesture or an experience which buoys your spirit.

Those moments, for now, fill my heart in lieu of the ’20 second hugs & 6 second kisses’ I don’t receive on the daily. God is so good about finding ways, very specific to each of us, which are sustaining and continue to fill us with hope because we can see and feel that He is at work.

God knows the very depths of your heart and soul. He knows every tiny detail of the longings you keep to yourself. Feel what you feel each day, and then lay them at the foot of the Cross; trust in the Lord, in His timing and in His plan.

And then be excited!!!!

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than we could ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever. Amen

Ephesians 3:20-21

I host a small group on Monday evenings, “Singles in their 40s & 50s”. We have been meeting since September, becoming good friends.

A couple of weeks ago, one of the guys was sharing of recent events when he turned to me with, “Can I ask you a personal question?” I said, “Sure” (…wondering what I was walking into).

“Are you dating anyone?”

Ahhh, that question.

That’s an easy one…

“No, I am not dating anyone.”

And then, ‘the pause’ – that in between time when I wonder if I should elaborate or….

Instead of elaborating, I returned the question, “Are you still dating the gal you spoke of in December?” Nnnope. He shared why that didn’t work out, which opened it back up to me, as he asked why I was not dating.

When I answered, I kind of just scratched the surface. Truly answering the “why” is not a two-sentence answer. Okay, maybe it is for most people in the world, but I am not physically capable. 😉

I responded with, “I’ve met some really amazing guys, but finding the *right one* isn’t simple. My mom would say I’m too picky but I don’t think so. Finding people who say they are ‘Christian’ isn’t hard. It’s finding people who love the Lord with all of their heart and I can see, on the daily, that they strive to live for the Lord, which is tough.”

He agreed, “It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.”

To that, we all agreed.

That exchange segued into a convo about dating apps and finding plenty of ‘Christians’ you don’t think you’d be attracted to OR plenty of those you feel are attractive, but who are not Christian.

Apparently, I am the only one in our group not on a dating app. I knew it was common, but I didn’t realize I was such the minority! I don’t rule it out forever, but I’ve tried it in the past; it’s really, really hard for me to *actually* swipe right. I found myself not able to lift my finger off the screen and commit to the swipe! With one exception, I would carefully push each profile back to where it was…make sure it wasn’t going to accidentally flip to the right…and then swipe left.

Okay, maybe my mom is more right than wrong.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

No.

I stand firm: I am not too picky.

I just know what I am longing for…and I have yet to discover it.

What is “it”?

Gosh, it seems like it should be so simple and common place and straightforward!!….but it isn’t.

The answer:

I n t e g r i t y

I mean, yes, I want what everyone wants in terms of all the usual boxes to check. But integrity is actually a three-part series.

It’s really what I hope would become a prequel; within a marriage, everyone should have the trifecta! But, I believe, in order for there to be a trifecta in marriage, there must first be a trifecta in dating.

Wait, what…?

Let me try it this way:

I believe in order to get the trifecta of intimacy within a marriage, as God has designed, you must first lay the groundwork in your dating relationship with a trifecta of integrity in three areas:

Emotional

Spiritual

and

Physical

and THAT is tough to find.

It seems too easy for people to shrug off blurring the lines of integrity with excuses and justifications, especially in today’s culture.

Emotional Integrity is foundational, yet matters of the heart can be very complex. We all have back stories which have cultivated our level of confidence as well as the depth of our fears, often dictating how much we are willing to share our heart. How much access we allow another can be scary as it opens the door to potential hurt. But the rewards! Oh, the rewards to be enjoyed if we are on the same page and able to be authentic and transparent with our feelings. ❤

Be true to your word.

Don’t speak it if you don’t feel it…but DO speak what you do feel, even if it isn’t easy to hear.

Be true to yourself by understanding and owning your feelings, desires, and hopes.

Emotional Integrity will foster a deep bond, creating a much-needed foundation of trust and authenticity.

Spiritual Integrity also seems pretty straightforward. Do you name Jesus as your Lord and Savior? Awesome! But there’s this daily byproduct of an imperfect soul who loves Jesus, lives for Jesus and puts Him first, that should then be present.

So often, too often, a well-meaning person will check the box: Christian.

You want more than a checked box! It isn’t asking too much to want more than just the title. You should see, sense and know one is a follower of Jesus without the title ever needing to be claimed. And, of course, we should hope to convey the same.

We should be true to our word as a testimony to our faith in Him.

If the ultimate goal is to marry…which, if you are dating, that should be the goal..

**side note: a dating relationship isn’t for kicks and giggles, you’re not just coasting and having fun; if you want to just have fun, go play pickle ball. If you want to just have fun, join some MeetUps with peeps who have similar interests. 🙂 When choosing to start a dating relationship, you are asking to have the heart of another placed in the palms of your hands. That is to be given great care, thought and intentionality**

aand (stepping off of my little soapbox) we’re back..

…God gets center placement.

Maintaining spiritual integrity is intentionally working to keep God at the top of the relationship (and eventual marriage) triangle: as two people lean into the Lord and closer to God, they move toward each other. If two people move away from God, they will, ultimately, move away from each other.

When Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they alienated themselves from each other, with Adam blaming Eve for just about everything (Gen 3:7, 12). Enjoying a marriage according to God’s design (the BEST design, ever, that goes beyond our capacity of understanding!!!) must include a daily walk with Him. Spiritual Integrity encompasses more than just being honest. It means staying true to your faith and living by a moral compass defined by His Word.

…which segues beautifully into Physical Integrity.

Okay, ready for this…because I can assure you, I probably match about .03% of the population when I think this next thought…

I don’t believe a first or second or third date obligates a goodnight kiss.

I can practically hear some of the reactions:

“Yyyeah, see ya…”

“What are you…stuck in the 1800’s???”

“Wait, what?…don’t you want to know if there’s chemistry?”

If I am going on a second or third date, there’s probably chemistry to compel me to go. 🙂

But THAT kind of chemistry is not what makes a relationship solid.

That kind of chemistry should be the byproduct of cultivating a committed and monogamous relationship…and with limits.

That kind of chemistry makes a connection, not a relationship.

It’s tough to grow into best friends who choose to have

the grit…

and the commitment…

and the intentionality…

and the loyalty…

to do life together, when it inevitably ebbs and flows with challenges and blessings, if the starting line is a physical connection, taking precedent over the heart.

Chemistry is fun and exciting and important, but it isn’t enough and it isn’t sustaining.

Nope.

Call me old fashioned till the cows come home, but a kiss is a bond. It is not to be shared lightly or two hours after meeting someone.

A kiss seals the deal: you want to intentionally pursue a relationship that is deeply meaningful and, above all, glorifies the Lord.

An excuse here…

a justification there…

and before you know it, you need to do some pretty solid self-reflection and decide how you truly want to live.

For the moment?
Or for eternity?

While I have focused on dating for the bulk of this post, the matter of integrity applies *everywhere* in our lives!

It goes beyond honesty.

It goes beyond what people see on the surface.

Does what you think and say match your soul and the core of your heart?

Is your integrity conveyed in your words, your tone, your face, your posture, your actions, your reactions..?

Do you blur the lines of integrity to blend into the narrative around you?

Do you make concessions because it’s easier to do so than to stand firm in what you know to be true?

I don’t ask these things without challenging my own heart.

I absolutely ‘claim’ to be Christian. I am not just choosing a title, I love Jesus!…and try to work *against* myself and *for* the Lord. That means a daily surrender. That means learning and knowing and seeking the face and heart of the Lord. How does one become like another without knowing them?

But I am so far from perfect; nobody is perfect and nobody is going to ‘get it right’ all of the time. But what an amazing thing, to try. To have the desire. To want to strive for the very best, which is what Jesus wants for you, too! (John 10:10)

Give yourself, and everyone else, a whole lot of grace for the past and the present…but think about your future. What do you want it to look like? I promise you, working for and maintaining a standard of integrity in all areas of your life and choosing to shape your personal world so that the choices you make will better reflect the heart of Jesus, will result in a life of blessings beyond your imagination.

God will honor your efforts, your intentions, your victories and even (what you may feel are) your set backs as you seek to daily live for Him.

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9

❤

“Don’t live your life saying shoulda, woulda, coulda.”
My dad used to tell me this growing up, with the obvious intent being that I not – for the most part – lament what was said, done or experienced but rather, embrace it…learn & grow…and move forward.

For much of my life, that phrase has popped up in my mind on certain occasions and I’ve been known to share it with my girls a time or two. But in recent years, the last 8 or so, my perspective has shifted on this phrase from being self-centered, to being more ‘compassionately outward’ in it’s application, or rather, lack there of.

When I went through the experience of divorce and the process of adjusting to countless new normals, I believe I received more kind and loving advice than I would have, had I still been married; all sorts of thoughts on what I should and should not do, what I could do…what my life would be, if only I “would have____”…

What I learned from so many perspectives was not so much how to live or how I should have lived, but rather how not to …judge.

I don’t mean that harshly. Let’s be real, it’s too easy to make judgment calls all day, every day without ill intent; I know the people who shared their opinions along the way, did so with a spirit of love and caring.
But I challenge you to consider: can you possibly know what is best for another person’s life with such conviction that you would say so using a definitive ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’?

I was told how I should have been as a wife…could one *possibly* know the details of my marriage enough to make such a call?

I was told how I should raise my kids as a single mom. Could anyone possibly know the hearts of my children as I do? Did they know of the conversations, experiences and history shared between my girls and I, which impact and direct my parenting?

I was told how, who (what kind of guy) and when to date again. Can anyone possibly know the hurts, trials and tribulations affecting the vulnerabilities within my heart which would surely impact my who, what, where, when and why’s of dating again?

Nope, nope and nnnope.

We can meet for coffee and I could tell you aaall the stories, yet you still would not be able to truly grasp the ins and outs of my heart and soul. You could surely give thoughtful advice, but whether it’s as complex as a marriage, a job or a move …or their timelines – when to get married, when to get or switch jobs, when to make a move – in all areas of life, we cannot possibly know the best answer.

I have learned from being on both sides of the table, how much more valuable it is to simply listen.

Hear the heart of the person before you.

Allow them to process, as they speak out loud, the intricacies within their story and how God is leading – because that is what matters, is it not? God’s leading. Certainly not my incredibly narrow minded (because I am not God) opinion of how to proceed.

Recently, I was out to lunch with my oldest daughter and my mom. The seating at the restaurant was rather tight; the people sitting next to us could have whispered their conversation, yet we’d still have been able to hear. The tight quarters did not deter the pair next to us from speaking freely and quite loudly. The older of the two was the aunt; she listened to her niece’s update on recent life events then felt free to give her opinion on all of it. Every last detail got the “you should do this”, “he should not have done that”, “you woulda done better if…” There was not a single detail left on it’s own to marinate. And it was big stuff!…things I didn’t need my mind to catch snippets of

Those moments, when in the presence of another, offer a beautiful opportunity to be intentional…

.. to listen for the sake of hearing, not waiting to speak.

.. to pause, consider & support, not assume or jump to conclusions.

.. to be a conduit through which the Lord can love.

And if you’re on the other side of the table, remember that it is God who minds your steps, not the person hearing your heart. While they may give you loving thoughts and their very best wisdom, it is God who has gone before you to work in ways you (or they) cannot truly grasp. God doesn’t work according to what your friend is doing or what your neighbor says or even what every other person your age and in your circumstance has done and will do till the end of time.

His plan for you is unique because He knows you.

He formed you.

He designed every tiny detail of your being.

He has a plan for you that only He understands to the fullest. (Psalm 139, Jeremiah 29:11-13) Our purpose is towards the Lord, not others. (1Thessalonians 2:4)

God is not looking upon you with a ‘tsk, tsk, tsk’ and a ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’. God looks at you with a love that is unwavering! He looks at you with a delight that cannot be dimmed. He looks at you as His own, created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand (Ephesians 2:10).

Did you catch that word, ‘beforehand’?

God is intentional!

How can we possibly say to another that they ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’ when we know

God

is

at

work!!

and He works all things together for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)

All things.

Not just what we see as the biggies.

He cares about the most finite of details, right on down to the secret hopes and desires you dare not share with others, lest they not come to fruition.

When I pause to think about the many ways God has gone before me to protect, plan, prepare, provide… I am overwhelmed. And affirmed. Affirmed in my choice to ultimately trust HIM.

Share your heart with others.

Listen to their heart in return.

But trust the LORD to be the One who guides you through the twists and turns of your life. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Doing so, I have no doubt, will bless you beyond measure. (Ephesians 3:20)

❤





The day started in a full sprint as I did drop offs, tackled some online work, taught a science lesson to a few groups of sweet littles, then off to another appointment before picking up my daughter from school.
In between teaching and my last appointment, I went through Starbys for a quick bite (#eggandcheddarproteinbox for the win!!). I pulled up to the window and handed the gal a twenty, then waited for my change. As the gal at the window leaned forward to hand me the bills & coins, a coworker distracted her; she turned to look behind her as she dropped the money in my hand. Consequently, a dime fell to the ground.

I heard the tiny little *tink* of the dime as it hit the ground, then peered over the edge of my door at the distance between my car and the outside counter, wondering if I should try to open my door and retrieve the coin.
Okay, yes. It was a dime.
Ten cents.
Yet, I pondered the effort vs the loss.

Finally, as the girl handed me my lunch, I told myself, “Leisa. It’s a dime! Forget about it!”
I drove away, leaving that shiny little coin behind for another to find.

But… I lamented it. 

I thought about that dime for a few minutes more… I know, I know… it’s only 10¢. But 10¢ is part of a dollar and a dollar is part of ten and…
I do not take for granted the value of a dollar…or 1/10th of one. There have been too many times in previous years when I wasn’t sure all of my family’s needs would be met.

We like to be certain! We like to be prepared. We like to know that each day will bring with it, all that we need to live and thrive…at least, I do.

As a result of various circumstances, through quite a few seasons actually, I have a tendency to want to be prepared so that I need not wonder if our needs will be met. Even still, there were times when I was uncertain we would make it.

But we did.

God always provided for myself and my girls. And now my mom as well. 
And yet, as I drove along, I found myself still thinking about that dime!

Maybe I should have made the effort…

Would I have looked dumb opening up my door to try and reach for the little coin?

Then God whispered to my heart, “…pause and recall aaall the times I not only provided for you, but went exceedingly above and beyond all you could ask or imagine.
I am here.
I am at work.
I go before you.
I will provide. “

And so I let go of the dime.

Fast forward a couple of hours; I was walking in a parking lot, looking at Christmas decorations and the beautiful sky and the palm trees…when I felt compelled to stop looking up, and take a moment to look down.

There, at my feet, was a shiny little dime.

I don’t believe in coincidence 🙂 I felt it was a God wink – one to remind and affirm that, indeed, God is present and cares about even the tiniest of details. He is watching out for my girls, my mom and I. He is at work and will go before us as He always has, to plan, protect and provide.
I picked up that dime with a smile and, admittedly, a happy tear in my eye.

That dime did not change my status, nor was it exactly what I needed for anything in particular. The loss of the dime at the drive thru was a trigger for old fears…fears long since passed, which need not be considered any longer, but exactly what the enemy uses to take my focus off the goodness and greatness of the Lord…even if just for a moment.

If you allow an old fear to be whispered into your mind, your focus is shifted from all that is before you and good. If you are consumed with fears of what might be, you are clouding your vision for the beautiful truths of what is.

God is good.

He is present.

He is at work…ALL of the time.

Since that day, I have come across two more dimes.

One, in my shoe! How in the world does a dime end up in one’s shoe?

And another in a crevice of my car as I was looking for a penny to give exact change; you can tell me it’s a stretch, but the fact that all I needed was a penny, yet came across a dime, is exactly an example of how God works. You think you need ‘juuuust this’. But God sees above and beyond. He knows the path before you and all that you will need, and even desire! He goes above and beyond all that we can think or imagine, even if we don’t realize it in the moment.

Keep your eyes open to the dimes in your day. Those little affirmations and reminders that you are seen and known and loved and cared for, will buoy your spirit and encourage your heart!

On February 25th, I was driving with my third daughter when I received a text:

(In a nutshell) “Hey Leisa…sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the owner {of our house} has decided to sell.”

My heart sank.

I recall the date precisely because it was my fourth daughter’s birthday; I was in a happy mood as it was a day to celebrate, so I wasn’t going to let that text cast a shadow on the day.

My third daughter was with me when the text came through; she immediately noticed a shift in my countenance. I didn’t react, per se…but I am sure my eyes betrayed my smile. She has always been very intuitive.

I shared with her what was going on, adding, “Let’s not share this with your sisters just yet…we don’t want to distract from the day.” In an effort to encourage her heart I said, “Don’t worry, sweetie…God’s got us! Look at aaaaall He has done in the past; this is no surprise to Him.” My words were met with silence so I asked, “What would you love to see at the new house?” She thought about it for a second and said half-heartedly, “Maybe a community pool so I can have my friends over to swim….?”

“A community pool! What a great idea, that would be awesome!!”

{Dear Lord…I know there are lot’s of neighborhoods with a pool…do you think maybe……?”}

So the hunt began.

Yes, I was bummed because it was the end of February and who has time to look for a house, then pack up and move in the middle of the school year?

On the flip side I was hopeful…God has *always* gone before the girls and I to provide, protect and… delight. I wondered what He was up to this time 🙂

The first house we hoped was going to be our next home, popped up rather quickly…within a couple of weeks. We got preapproval to go and see the property. Upon arrival, I saw four other families walking towards the house as two families left.

Oh boy.

We walked into the home, greeted the realtor and looked around.

We loved it, loved the location, loved the neighborhood AND it had a community pool!!!!

Yyyyes! This was gonna be it.

The realtor told us the next step was to write an email to the owner explaining our story and why we should be selected for the home.

This seemed like an advantage for us. Usually, I express myself well in writing so my hopes were high that this would work out.

There was just one concern…

While we were walking around, we heard a gentleman talking on his cell and then negotiating with the realtor. He basically said he’d pay above asking price to be given a lease. The realtor very firmly stated that the owner wasn’t interested in money; her response calmed my nerves a bit…but only slightly.

Two or three days passed and we hadn’t heard about the house. Finally, I received a text; the realtor was sorry to say the owner had decided on another applicant.

(((sigh)))

The disappointment was intense. I felt that I was a strong candidate in every possible way…I couldn’t wrap my brain around why we were not chosen. A couple of days passed before I actually texted to ask the realtor what I could do to make myself a more viable option, in her opinion, since it was obvious this market was like nothing I had ever experienced before. She said that I was just about perfect and there were no negatives, but in this case, she admitted she had written up the contract for well over asking price.

The owner didn’t care about money…but money can talk quite loudly. And I understand. But man oh man, I was bummed.

So the hunt continued.

I won’t kill you with details on *every* house I looked at; there were LOTS. I will simply say that while I headed into this process frustrated that we had to move, I was totally hopeful for what God would do.

But.

I am so very human.

This process took four solid months. Every single night, I would find myself awake at precisely 3:30am jarred from my sleep with an anxious heart. When I went through my divorce, it was 2:30am, without fail. This time, I got an extra hour.

Each night and throughout the day, I seemed to murmur the same words: “Lord, where would you have us go?”

House after house after house seemed to pass without anything working.

Was I being too picky?

No.

Some of the houses were just too far from the girls’ schools…if we had to move, the very least I wanted was for them to be able to stay at the schools in which they were enrolled.

Some of the houses were simply a wreck; one guy was asking top dollar for a house that was ‘clean’ but filthy. The carpeting on the stairs was pulling away from each step and looked as if it hadn’t been deep-cleaned in decades. The backyard was a jungle of a mess. The plumbing was rusted and corroded. It was a hard and fast no.

Another house was too eclectic. Coolest backyard ever, but weird house. I just couldn’t figure out a way to make it work…one of the bedrooms required you to enter from a ladder into an attic opening in the garage….???

I share that last one because, while I didn’t try for it, I was still included in the email update: “Thank you all for your interest in our home… there were over forty applications and we were so humbled to read all of your stories, wishing we could rent out to each of you. In the end, we chose a couple with a solid dual income stream, no children, no pets and cash up front for the year. “

Wwwwwwha–???

Here I am, single mom, four kids, a dog and no way in heck I was able to put cash up front for a whole year’s rent.

That is what I was up against.

By now, I was about midway through the four month journey. I had very caring people trying to help, making suggestions and asking friends for any leads they might have.

Then, one day, these suggestions began to roll in:

“Why don’t you just ________?”

or

“Don’t you think for the sake of the kids you should just ______?”

The hardest to hear was, “It seems you’re just waiting for everything to be perfect and in the mean time, you’re putting yourself and your kids through all sorts of stress, not to mention everyone who loves and cares for you.”

Ouch.

Like ouchie, ouchie ouch!

That one cut deep.

My mind was left reeling because that statement didn’t just imply that I might be causing some stress, it point blank said I was putting myself and my kids through a whole lot…with the underlying message being that I was just being too picky.

Truth? Every time it was suggested that I “just” do this or that, I responded with some sort of satiator.

Yeah, I don’t think that’s actually a word, I just made it up.

But to satiate means to satisfy…so a satiator, in this case, meant a response which I’d hoped would satisfy the listener. I don’t think it actually worked, but I tried.

Here’s the thing…as I would speak my satiator, my very soul would whisper to my heart:

“But God.

Remember how has He worked in the past?

To “just” isn’t how God works!!

THAT IS NOT GOD.

God has something planned for my girls and I… and so far, nothing has felt right.

The Holy Spirit has not nudged me in this direction or that direction.”

Yes, I could ‘just’.

I could just choose that condo.

I could just make that house work.

I could just switch schools.

I could just….

But.

I knew in my soul, it (and there were several ‘”it’s”) wasn’t right.

I knew I had to stand firm and persevere and trust the process, even though it meant sleepless nights and constantly checking all the sites for new listings and being turned down or not even called, again and again aaand again.

I knew this was between me and God…that even if it didn’t make sense to anyone else, I needed to lean in to the Lord and not let anything …or anyone, cause my faith and trust in Him to waiver, even for a moment.

It was hard.

It really was so very hard.

My heart was anxious daily. The bible clearly says to be anxious for nothing but it’s not a terrible thing to wake up anxious…rather, I think it is against God’s design to dwell in said anxiety.

Lean in for just a moment:

Bouts of anxiety give an opportunity to exercise strength and faith. Don’t believe the lies whispered in your heart when it is bubbling with anxiety! There is no shame, embarrassment, weakness or lack of faith.

God designed us. He knows our heart. He knows our concerns, our dreams, our goals, our fears, our desires ….all of it. Too often, when one feels anxious, they feel weak, as if their faith is lacking. Battling anxiety is not an indication of those things…

Anxiety can be a catalyst, should you choose to allow it to be, for deeper faith, more steadfast prayer, unrelenting hope and crazy strong perseverance!

Recognizing anxiety and laying it at God’s feet, gives Him the opportunity to scoop you up into His arms and reassure you that with Him…

You are capable.

You need not fear.

You are okay in how you feel.

You will move forward…and in ways which will be better than what you’re leaving behind.

God’s got you.

When I would wake at 3:30 each morning, my heart gripped with anxiety, I would pray. I would cry. I would hope. I would feel frustration. I would wonder. And I probably would cry just a bit more.

I felt so alone, especially when being told I was just waiting for perfection, causing my children and all who cared for me, unnecessary stress.

But there was beauty in that, because the experience stripped me of any bit of dependence I may have had on anyone other than the Lord. God used those very words to push me deeper into HIS arms. Deeper into a faith and trust that HIS will would prevail. Deeper into an unrelenting HOPE that God was working mightily on my behalf, and He was.

Fast forward several weeks to another house. This one presented oddly online because it was furnished in such a way that it looked super old and dated, but I knew the neighborhood was not old and it checked off all the ‘must have’ items in terms of location, size, dog requirements etc. so I made an appointment to go see it.

For the first time, out of all the houses I had viewed…even the first one which we lllloved, I got a bit emotional when I walked through. I thought it was fatigue… so many houses by then! But, really, it was because I found the house to be a perfect fit and I feared being disappointed, yet again.

Regardless, I put in my application…SO many hoops to jump through for this one, more than the usual…and waited.

I won’t string you along; we didn’t get it.

This time, I received the news on my oldest daughter’s graduation day. Another day of celebration. So I teared up for a minute…got frustrated for two minutes…then wiped my tears away, determined to not cast a shadow on such a beautiful day, all while wondering those too-familiar words, “Lord, where would you have us?”.

Two weeks passed, a couple more houses were thrown in the mix. I was tired.

June 24th. I was watching Titanic with my oldest daughter, upstairs on my bed. It was a Friday evening, 6:30 or so and I had fallen asleep. So not like me…who has time for naps???

My phone rang, but I did not recognize the number, initially, so I didn’t pick up. But then I looked at it again…something was familiar about it, so I answered on about the fifth ring:

Me: Hello?

Caller: Hi…Leisa?

Me: Yes..?

Caller: This is Ashley, I’m sorry to bother you on a Friday night…

(Ashley is the property manager for the house we’d lost out to on graduation day…she had called once or twice since then to share new listings)

Me: That’s okay, how are you?

…..silence. I waited patiently, thinking she had a new listing to share…

Ashley: I’m well!…are you still looking for a home?

Me: Yes, we are still looking…

Ashley: So the people for “State Street” dropped out. They were all ready to sign the paperwork and changed their mind…are you still interested?

Me: (actually confused because I had been woken from a nap at around the 17-minute mark where you wake up dazed and foggy…) ..they backed out? You mean we can rent it? The house on State???

Ashley: YES!!! I left the office and was driving home when all these email alerts came through on my phone…so I looked at the stoplight to see what was going on…literally pulled over to call you with the news!! The house is yours if you still want it!!!!

Well, yes. We definitely wanted the house! We signed papers and moved in one week later…what a crazy time! But so exciting!!!

Here’s the God part. Well, ALL of it was God. God’s hand of protection was upon us the entire way…but the details! God is about the details. You think He doesn’t care about that stuff? Why bother God with the details..?? Because HE WANTS TO KNOW THEM! He wants to hear your heart, your desires….aaallllll the details.

I was sad to move from our cul-de-sac. I loved not having thru-traffic on our street…

God moved us to a new cul-de-sac.

I was concerned about proximity to schools…

God moved us within the same school zone.

I was sad to leave our backyard! I loved our set up and lights and all the memories we’d made…

God moved us to a house where the lights fit even better and the upkeep is much simpler for me.

I worked really hard to make our home cozy and welcoming to any and all…

This new house is a more open concept and even better for welcoming friends and family in.

I have longed for a pantry for…well, forever! I can’t think of a home in all our moves where I had a pantry…not the end of the world, just a wishable.

This house has an awesome pantry!!!! (the things that excite you when you’re older)

My daughter hoped for a community pool…

God moved us to a house where the community pool is a one minute walk away!! The girls have already had several friends over and celebrated a birthday there!

The beautiful details are endless…

God took my desires, my hopes, my sadness and my fears…and He did what He always does…

He loved me.

He heard me.

He held me.

He provided for me (and my girls)

He protected!! (there was a house we were *this* close to moving to, when we found out there was a registered sex offender right next door…hard stop)

He delighted my heart.

He was faithful as He always is.

Even when I began to question myself…”AM I being too picky?…SHOULD I ‘just’____?”

Trust the process.

Have faith.

HOPE!!! And hold on to that hope!

In this crazy world, we are too used to immediate gratification. Google this, Door Dash that, text messages, DM’s, Netflix binges (no more waiting till next week for the new episode)

Consequently, when we are called to wait, it stinks.

Oh we try. We think we are patient…we give it a week. Two maybe. Then we get restless. Do research. Find ways to get around a situation.

This process was a four month wait…that’s not even ‘long’ in the great scheme of things, but it sure felt like an eternity! I could have shortened the wait. I could have rented an apartment, a condo, in a different area. I could have done any number of things to “solve the problem”. But in doing so, I would have most certainly robbed myself (and my girls) of the growth and blessing gained by leaning into the Lord through this experience. And of course, God’s plan went ‘exceedingly above and beyond all I could ask for or imagine”!! (Eph 3:20) We LOVE this new place we call “home”!!

If you are in a season where you must ‘wait’, I pray you have found a bit of encouragement and hope in this story. I confess, when this all began, I really wanted nothing to do with it. I didn’t want to wait, I didn’t want to be stretched, I didn’t want to grow, I didn’t want any changes which would force me out of my very comfortable space. We were quite content, thank you.

But God had plans.

Really amazing, knock-my-socks-off-delight-my-heart-beyond-words, plans!

And God has plans for you, too.