It is estimated, from the moment we wake, until we fall fast asleep, upwards of 30 – 35k choices are made throughout the day.
If, on average, someone is awake for 16 hours, that works out to roughly 1–2 decisions every couple of seconds, counting micro-choices like where to look, what to think about next, or whether to keep scrolling. Only a fraction of these are deliberate “big” decisions; most are small, habitual, and handled quickly by automatic mental processes.
Confession: I probably add to that number by a couple of hundred decisions.
It is a poor habit and one I am trying to break.
I add to that number by making decisions for others; I anticipate and pre‑decide for others with, “they are probably busy and can’t see me,” “she’ll say no,” “he’ll be annoyed”.
I know me. These are fast, automatic ways to reduce uncertainty and protect my heart from rejection or possibly inconveniencing someone. I am “so kind and thoughtful”…but it is at the cost of myself and the other person, who may very well want to make the time for me.
I know I am not alone in this habit. This tendency to forecast can occur many times a day in small ways:
- choosing not to text
- opting not to invite
- changing what is said due to anxiety or being highly sensitive to social cues.
Why do those of us who do this, do this…? Silently deciding others’ preferences or words without checking, is a habit that has been formed over time because predicting others’ behavior offers a safety net and conserves effort; we fill in what others “will” do to spare ourselves and the other person involved any possible chance of disappointment, frustration or discomfort.
I have no doubt I have justified this habit in the past with my propensity for selflessness. I am most often thinking of everyone around me first.
What do YOU want for dinner?
What would YOU like to do?
Where would YOU like to go…?
Unless it’s, “I want to visit the reptile museum and try the new Indian place down the street..”, I’ll make it work. (Not a huge fan of curry….)
But.
One massive detail I neglect when making these decisions for others is this:
For as much joy as I get when I say or do something to please another, I am stealing that person’s joy by not allowing them to do the same or similarly, for me.
Beyond that, for as much value as I receive when cultivating a friendship…why do I not remember that I add value to the other person’s heart and life as well?
How about you?
Do you make decisions for other people?
Do you decide if the other person will want to hang out?
Go on a date?
Receive your text?
Be open to a friendship/relationship?
Hear your heart?
Rejection stinks.
I have been knocked down by the rejection of people who should have been protectors of my heart, not predators, four too many times. (no typo)
And yet, I keep getting back up again.
I make a concerted effort NOT to decide for others, and even bigger, for God Almighty, what should or should not happen.
Who am I to try and determine an outcome? So often it is those moments we run towards, with a submissive spirit and a bit of reckless abandon, which bring the sweetest and most unexpected rewards!!
Don’t lose heart! Don’t let fears, past hurts or rejections keep you from the opportunity to embrace tomorrows joys & triumphs.
You have so many moments ahead when you will have the pleasure and utter joy of being used to deposit into the heart of another.
AND…
You have countless moments ahead when God will use another to..
Encourage you.
Delight your spirit.
Challenge your thinking. (that’s a good thing!)
Offer companionship.
Bring a sweet smile to your face.
Bubble up a giggle in your heart.
Build your feelings of self-worth.
Listen.
Be still.
Love you.
Send the text, suggest that coffee, ask for the date, share your heart.
Be open to outcomes you haven’t imagined or orchestrated on your own.
We miss every single shot we don’t take…and it’s not cool to steal the ball from others.
So what’re you gonna do…..?
The choice is yours. 😉
leisaanncollins.com 