Recently, I got my feelings hurt.
It happens, right?
In the moment, I was dumbfounded. Mostly, I realize in reflection, because I had expectations I didn’t know I had.
“Expectations breed disappointment” is a quote I often share with my girls. Hopes? Awesome…go to town with those hopes. But manage expectations because circumstances and people are not always predictable.
Several weeks back, I sent a voice text regarding a choice I needed to make to step down from a position. The decision was difficult for me; I am def one who has a history of being hyper-concerned about disappointing others. I felt my choice to step down was going to disappoint several people, making the decision, and pulling the trigger, rough.
This voice message should have been easy…
I’m out.
Right?
Noooo! Do you even KNOW me?? 😉
I felt it was important to explain my why…and perhaps, in doing so, prime the pump for the next one stepping up.
It took four tries to send this voice message.
Four.
Not because I was indecisive – I was decided. But because I really, REALLY tried to be precise and not take too much time…share with efficiency but share completely, as this was my one shot.
I failed again and again and again until, on the fourth try, I just hit send.
I had hopes my message would be received okay, in spite of length, for two reasons:
- The receiver of the message, while not someone I spend time with, is one I would have called a ‘friend’; I felt comfortable calling upon them in the past when it came to a need for one of my girls. Consequently, perhaps it felt too much like a ‘safe space’.
- Beyond any kind of friendship, I believe I thought part of their job was to listen. Certainly regarding this particular circumstance, I thought shedding light and providing details would have been welcomed. Again, a safe space.
I was mistaken. And that’s okay…it just really bummed me out.
I fully own my message was long, born of a trifecta:
- I was driving…wwway too easy to keep talking when you’re just boppin’ along.
- I was anxious; feeling sad that I had to make the choice I did. My heart was overwhelmed with the decision.
- I care. A LOT. I care about the people I work with and am in communication with. Leaving a quick, “I’m out” kind of message not only isn’t in my DNA, it would have done such a disservice to the people who are part of my heart.
So. My message spanned a solid 7 minutes of time. And this was after three previous attempts to dial it down!
I don’t know how else I could have personally shared my thoughts and walked away feeling heard. As it turns out, it didn’t matter…I wasn’t heard.
With no response, I messaged to follow up as the circumstances necessitated it.
Still didn’t hear back, so several days later I emailed.
I got a response to my email, which I appreciated…eventually. It took me a few minutes because I was prideful, I was frustrated and I was hurt.
The ‘safe space’ was an expectation I didn’t actively think about, but had put on this person unfairly, apparently.
The email response was detailed and addressed the circumstances as a whole, but it took me a couple of reads to digest as one sentence alone provoked feelings I am sure the sender never intended.
I felt dismissed.
I felt as if my thoughts and heart were not worth being listened to as they acknowledged they hadn’t bothered to hear all of what I had shared.
I felt ridiculed by a tone I very well could have been assigning to her words, but as the message felt mocking, I struggled with hearing it objectively.
I felt unheard and not at all valued; as if it didn’t matter that my message was left incomplete and not responded to.
I responded to the email with what was needed – but my heart was so sadly disappointed.
Here’s the really cool part:
God uses everything.
Especially the tough stuff.
God used this to remind me of who He created me to be (caring, thoughtful, thought-filled, loving, kind, well-intended….) and the ways we ALL can be used as vessels through which He loves people, when we take time ~ INVEST time ~ to actively listen and be present with another.
Our society has evolved into one which is easily impatient. Phones give us the world at our fingertips, with just about everything we come across on the daily being designed for efficiency and immediate results.
Drive-thru’s are meant to get you in and out! Chick Fil A’s parking lot and drive-thru are no joke; they have it down to a science! (Wondering when Trader Joe’s will hop on that bandwagon…)
Amazon can get you what you want within hours.
Gone are the days of having to wait a *whole week* to watch the next episode of your fave show…you can binge watch seasons at a time!!
Text messages go through instantly, leaving one to feel dismayed if there isn’t a swift response… or worse still, left on “read”. 
Just about everything we do and experience is catered to a quick and efficient lifestyle, which sounds great. But there is so much beauty lost in the shuffle.
When it comes to people, we need to slow down.
We need to dial down assumptions, lose expectations, listen with intention and digest what is heard without judgment.
Recently, I popped into Walmart to grab a couple of items. As I walked towards the exit, I paused to have my receipt checked and highlighted.
The gentleman at the door said, “Hello…” and reached for my receipt. As I handed it to him, I responded with, “Hi…how are you today?”.
He paused to glance up at me, marked my receipt, and proceeded to tell me about a portion of his day and how grateful he is.
I listened for those few moments and said, “That sounds wonderful…thank you for sharing…” and turned to walk away.
But before I could do so, he said, “Hey – you’re different, I can tell…cuz nobody ever asks me how I am…thank you for that – have a good day!”
I encouraged him to do the same, smiled a goodbye and went on about my afternoon.
Prior to that, I used to fly up to the Bay Area 2-3 times a month; I had my routine down pat: land, take the shuttle to the rental car area, pick up my car, go.
Almost every time, I encountered the same guy at the exit gate to do the look over of my rental car. His name was Roman…probably in his late 60’s. One time, as he was checking my rental, I said, “I haven’t seen you recently, have you been okay?”
He’d been on leave because he’d had a heart attack and underwent surgery. He shared with me about his experience and his recovery…that he is all alone, no family, but his roommate was kind enough to help him. We finished that convo and off I went.
The next time I came through, Roman was at the gate. When he saw me pull up, his face lit up with a bright smile, “KIMBERLY!! (my legal name) it is so good to see you! Where you been??”
So we caught up for a few minutes, I asked how he’d been feeling and he asked how work was going. As I was about to drive away, he shared, “I am happy when I see you. You always ask how I am. I don’t have many people who care about how I am…”
Gosh.
When Roman said, “I don’t have many people who care how I am…”, my heart broke just a bit as I realized how much our brief exchanges meant to him. Me investing just a few minutes to hear him, his heart, of his experiences…to look him in his eyes, pause my world for a few moments and be available…that investment buoyed his spirit and encouraged his heart.
Do you ever pause to think how beautifully impactful you are with a simple investment of time?
I used to have a friend who measured everything by how much it cost…
“How much did that run you?”
“Well, that must have set you back a bit…”
“Wow, what did that cost you?”
We saw things differently.
Yes, be wise & mindful of your spending, but my outlook was always, “It isn’t so much about the financial cost; this was an investment in the relationship”.
That holds truth whether you’ve invested a dime or invested your time.
The impact of that investment can change the trajectory of a person’s day. Your time may strengthen another’s feelings of self worth, offer a sense of security & belonging and quite simply give that person the gift of being seen, known and heard. You can’t put a price tag on that!
I read an article recently which spoke of the dangers of AI and the false relationship it offers to those feeling lonely and seeking connection. I don’t know how accurate the stats were, but it mentioned something like 72% of U.S. teens have tried an AI companion (chatbots for personal convos), and about 52% use one regularly, with adults ranging between 19-21%. If the more accurate figures are even HALF these, this is devastating news.
We have the power to strengthen a person’s resolve to get through a day, season or circumstance. We don’t even need to know the details!…just being a listening ear, a set of eyes to look into, a heart that cares, is an invaluable gift that we can give on the daily!
When you feel the nudge to pause and lean in, do it.
When you see a person calling out for acknowledgement with a simple glance, say hello.
When you need to be seen, known and heard, yourself…reach out.
I would love to hear you.
leisaanncollins.com 