Tone Matters

This past weekend, I braved the grocery store on the *Sunday before Thanksgiving* I don’t try to make things more difficult than they need to be, I just really wanted to knock out shopping for the holiday.

It was not as bad as it could have been; my mission was accomplished in about 30 minutes and I headed to my car unscathed. As I walked towards the parking lot, a family of four was walking ahead of me.

Initially, it was a sweet picture of a mom & dad with their two young children bopping along beside them. But as we approached our vehicles, not far from one another, their conversation was clear and it totally bummed me out; there was a disagreement between mom & dad. Consequently, as dad was pushing the cart, he got frustrated by the absent-minded-skipping-along-the-way of his daughter and snapped a terse, “MOVE!!”.

The skipping stopped.

Her head dropped.

Two little shoulders slumped.

No longer was the girl bopping along beside her family…she was slowly walking behind as her mom scoldingly exclaimed, “Well, you shoulda stayed outta the way…”

I wondered if, even in their frustration, the parents of that sweet girl understood how words cannot be unsaid. And beyond that, the tone with which those words are spoken, can turn a hurt heart into a devastated one.

Without realizing it, the parents were not prioritizing the heart of their daughter. They were too caught up in their frustrations with each other and, while I have no doubt they love her beyond measure, they inadvertently vented on their child with their words AND their tone.

Being a witness to this scene got me pondering as I drove home. I have, since my girls were old enough to speak, tried to instill within them the concept of communicating with honesty, but with love. Just about anything can be said if the tone with which it is spoken is one of love and caring. This applies to everyone; if you and I are in a relationship and I am not prioritizing your heart, if I am somehow missing the mark and not realizing it, out of love and caring for you, I would want to know.

Does it feel good to hear when I have made a mistake? Nope.

Does it feel good to know that I have somehow hurt you? Nope.

Regardless, I would want you to share your heart and thoughts because I know our relationship will benefit, even if it hurts my heart in the moment.

Literally, as I paused in the writing of this post and glanced at Facebook, this quote popped up on my feed from 3 days prior:

What’re the odds?

The quote kinda downplays communication by emphasizing tone; they go hand in hand.

What was interesting, and a bit disheartening, were the responses. Here is a snippet:

I don’t know these people as it was a random post. I don’t know their history, the stories which shape who they are and how they think and process, I don’t know their current relationships etc… but I disagree. If it’s okay to speak with a tone that leaves another feeling taken for granted, unappreciated or unloved as long as ‘the message gets across’, there’s something awry.

The last comment in the snippet says, “Stay single guys”…

At the end of the day, is that what people really want? To be alone?

The answer is no. God created us to be in community with others and hardwired us to love and be loved.

You can tell me aaaaall the reasons why you’d rather just be alone and I will listen patiently, hear your words and be available as a friend, but I won’t cheer you on, support your thoughts verbally or affirm the stance that being alone is ideal. Sometimes, it is easier to speak those words and determine that that is what’s best, to soften the cutting edge of a reality where you find yourself more alone than you truly desire.

Speaking for myself, I have been alone plenty (no woe is me action there; I trust the Lord, His plans and His timing with all of my heart), and while sometimes it is easier, easier is not always better. I am a classic example of one who would rather love and be loved; to have moments of solitude can be refreshing but to manage seasons of loneliness can be trying.

Having said that, when we are not alone and have the pleasure of the company of another, why be flippant about the thought and consideration given when choosing the words and tone we use to communicate?

The above comments on the ‘tone police’ made me wonder about the caliber of the relationships present in the lives of the commenters. When the sting of a harsh tone is justified with something like, “you’re just too sensitive”, is there a measure of feeling safe, protected and loved?

When we take for granted the feelings and heart of another by neglecting to be thoughtful with the tone (and word choice) used to deliver our message, the sweetness of the relationship gets chipped away, bit by bit. And if it were a spouse?? Next to God, that person should be first. Their heart, first. Their caring and love, first. That’s the person with whom you shared your last first kiss and all of the sweet affections since. That’s the person with whom you are facing life’s highs and lows. That’s the person who, when things are not easy, together with you makes things better.

Why then, jeopardize the sense of love, safety and security they feel with you by dismissing and justifying a tone that left them wanting?

Don’t fall prey to justifications like ‘every relationship gets stale’, ‘the honeymoon was over long ago’ or ‘we are perfect together because they do their thing and I do mine’.

Those claims don’t have to be the truth of your reality and deep down, I don’t think that’s what anybody really wants.

I was once…maybe several times over the years…told that I need to “be realistic”.

Okay, I get that.

Kind of.

Perhaps I am not the norm in terms of my long-term perspective.

But I am a Child of God and so are you!

With God, we can hope for extraordinary! Time and time again, I have seen in others and experienced for myself how God does exceedingly above and beyond all one could ask for or imagine (Eph 3:20-21). I absolutely believe relationships, particularly marriage, are meant to be extraordinary! How that is defined varies from one couple to the next. But God knows you – He designed you! And he knows the love of your heart. Don’t bind the hands of the Lord by acquiescing to statistics or deciding at a certain point, ‘this and that’ will wane. Fight for a relationship that gets all the more sweet, beautiful and fulfilling with each day that passes.

That may mean working to build back an area that was neglected with time. It may mean there are some heartfelt conversations that need to happen. But the result…the benefits and gains?! So, so worth it!

Go love the ones you love!!! And let them love you back… ❤

Speak truth with care and thoughtfulness.

Have the conversations that need to occur.

Don’t give up.

Never give up!

And remember…tone matters. 😉