Every now and then, or perhaps more than I care to admit, I will deny the fact that I have a ton of work to do by watching reels on Instagram. I am a fan of the doggo reels. 🙂
On Friday of last week, I watched a reel of a gentleman, much older than I, perhaps in his 80s?… He was proudly and happily and adamantly proclaiming that part of his longevity was due to….
drum roll please….
6 second kisses!
As I watched him speak, with twinkling eyes and a face etched with lines which each held a story, I found myself delighted by his delight.
How sweet, for a man of his age, his wife by his side, to speak of the benefits sweet kisses and hugs can give. He confidently proclaimed it is a proven fact that kisses, no less than 6 seconds long, and hugs…more like 20 seconds long, add at least 4 years to a life.
As he got into science…oxytocin released in the brain, etc. I was intrigued by his enthusiasm, so I did a little digging. The man in the reel is John Gottman, a marriage and family counselor and his wife, Julie, is a clinical psychologist. His “6 Second Rule” was the catalyst for all sorts of studies. One such study of 70,000 people across the globe illustrated that small gestures of affection and love throughout the day have a major impact on long term happiness and the success of a relationship.
Okay, forgive me.
I am not trying to be callous here…
But….really?
Did it really take a study of 70,000 people around the world to confirm that hugs and kisses are a good and beneficial thing? Am I being unkind? That is so not my intent.
I didn’t grow up in a home that included affection, verbal or physical. Hugs and “I love you’s” didn’t begin until my mid 20s, when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and given three weeks to live.
It’s amazing how the prospect or reality of ‘never again’ can change your habits to, ‘no better time than now’! After that diagnosis, hugs & kisses and ‘I love you’ were as common as breathing in and out…and I so cherish that I had even the very little time that I did.
To me, even though I did not grow up in an affectionate household, it is a given that hugs & kisses are a no-brainer! But then as I pondered Gottman’s 6 Second Rule over the next few days, I thought, “Hold up, waaaait a minute…. what does this mean for someone like me?”
I have been solo for 12 years now…
12 x 365 + 3 days for leap years…
That’s 4,383 days of missed X’s & O’s!
If getting that affection adds to a life, then ….
I’m a goner.
Except here’s the thing…
God isn’t watching my life unfold with, “Awww, shoot. She should have been remarried by now…she’s taking yyeeears off her life! How am I gonna turn this one around…?”
Nope.
God’s got me. And my oxytocin levels. 😉
Everyone feels voids here and there – we are human and we are wired by Almighty God to want and need companionship.
Sometimes, we feel that void as a result of being single.
Other times, that void is felt, single or not, even as we are out and about, in a room full of people.
It is easier said than done to ‘solve the problem’ of loneliness. Solitude can be a lovely, rejuvenating experience. But loneliness can bring with it all sorts of emotions and thoughts attacking our feelings of self-worth.
There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely; it’s natural and human. Depending on your mindset, it can be a catalyst for action! Use the depth of that loneliness to push you towards something you’ve pondered but didn’t quite have the gumption to do.
Join some groups with people of similar interests.
Be honest about your feelings and share them with another, in whose hands you can trust your heart. They may be able to step up in ways they didn’t know you needed.
Maybe try the app you’ve thought about (says the girl who cannot commit to a swipe right…but you can be braver than I…I believe in you)
Send the text…or better yet, go old school and make a phone call!!
Pray about it.
Let’s be really raw and honest here: longing for a void to be filled, whether single OR married, can be exhausting, discouraging and frustrating.
Just because we have learned how to manage things well, doesn’t mean that doing so isn’t hard.
But isn’t it encouraging to remember:
God knows the number of hairs on your head… Luke 12:7
We can cast ALL of our anxieties on Him, because He cares… 1 Peter 5:7
The Lord goes before you and will not leave, nor forsake you… Deuteronomy 31:8
He will give us rest… Matthew 11:28
With faith, we can have assurance of things hoped for… Hebrews 11:1
Are you getting the idea yet?
God loves you so very dearly!
He cares for you in ways your brain cannot possibly fathom!
On days when you are feeling lost or alone, own those feelings. Cry out to the Lord and tell him, down to the tiniest of details, what you so long for! He wants to hear ALL of it. He wants to be in communication with you and then work on your behalf. He is going to delight in delighting you!! ❤
You don’t always have to be tough and strong and brave. That’s what I sometimes do.
But I have four daughters and I don’t want my girls to think all you have to do is be tough and strong and brave; there is so much beauty to be found and experienced in seasons of weariness and weakness.
Being authentic with my heart and feelings, in front of my girls, gives them the opportunity to see how God shows up. And he ALWAYS DOES.
They need to see that their mom is so darn human!
Makes mistakes.
Feels discouraged.
Could use a hug.
Prays.
And then praises.
Same with you… you have people in your world who see all that you manage. And they admire you. It is not lost on them, the effort, energy, faith and trust you pour into each day.
So.
Now what…?
If you’re married… go give that guy or girl of yours a hug!!! A 20+ second embrace and lots of sweet kisses with undivided attention so that they feel seen and known and heard and loved.
If you’re single…get a puppy.
HA!
Kidding…kidding…I’m totally kidding.
Seriously?…keep walking in faith, even if, sometimes that means simply facing in the right direction.
Be intentional about keeping your heart, mind and ears open to seeing, recognizing and hearing the God incidents meant to encourage your heart and soul!….because moments will arise when God whispers your name through the words of another, a kind gesture or an experience which buoys your spirit.
Those moments, for now, fill my heart in lieu of the ’20 second hugs & 6 second kisses’ I don’t receive on the daily. God is so good about finding ways, very specific to each of us, which are sustaining and continue to fill us with hope because we can see and feel that He is at work.
God knows the very depths of your heart and soul. He knows every tiny detail of the longings you keep to yourself. Feel what you feel each day, and then lay them at the foot of the Cross; trust in the Lord, in His timing and in His plan.
And then be excited!!!!
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than we could ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever. Amen
Ephesians 3:20-21
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