shoulda, woulda, coulda

“Don’t live your life saying shoulda, woulda, coulda.”
My dad used to tell me this growing up, with the obvious intent being that I not – for the most part – lament what was said, done or experienced but rather, embrace it…learn & grow…and move forward.

For much of my life, that phrase has popped up in my mind on certain occasions and I’ve been known to share it with my girls a time or two. But in recent years, the last 8 or so, my perspective has shifted on this phrase from being self-centered, to being more ‘compassionately outward’ in it’s application, or rather, lack there of.

When I went through the experience of divorce and the process of adjusting to countless new normals, I believe I received more kind and loving advice than I would have, had I still been married; all sorts of thoughts on what I should and should not do, what I could do…what my life would be, if only I “would have____”…

What I learned from so many perspectives was not so much how to live or how I should have lived, but rather how not to …judge.

I don’t mean that harshly. Let’s be real, it’s too easy to make judgment calls all day, every day without ill intent; I know the people who shared their opinions along the way, did so with a spirit of love and caring.
But I challenge you to consider: can you possibly know what is best for another person’s life with such conviction that you would say so using a definitive ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’?

I was told how I should have been as a wife…could one *possibly* know the details of my marriage enough to make such a call?

I was told how I should raise my kids as a single mom. Could anyone possibly know the hearts of my children as I do? Did they know of the conversations, experiences and history shared between my girls and I, which impact and direct my parenting?

I was told how, who (what kind of guy) and when to date again. Can anyone possibly know the hurts, trials and tribulations affecting the vulnerabilities within my heart which would surely impact my who, what, where, when and why’s of dating again?

Nope, nope and nnnope.

We can meet for coffee and I could tell you aaall the stories, yet you still would not be able to truly grasp the ins and outs of my heart and soul. You could surely give thoughtful advice, but whether it’s as complex as a marriage, a job or a move …or their timelines – when to get married, when to get or switch jobs, when to make a move – in all areas of life, we cannot possibly know the best answer.

I have learned from being on both sides of the table, how much more valuable it is to simply listen.

Hear the heart of the person before you.

Allow them to process, as they speak out loud, the intricacies within their story and how God is leading – because that is what matters, is it not? God’s leading. Certainly not my incredibly narrow minded (because I am not God) opinion of how to proceed.

Recently, I was out to lunch with my oldest daughter and my mom. The seating at the restaurant was rather tight; the people sitting next to us could have whispered their conversation, yet we’d still have been able to hear. The tight quarters did not deter the pair next to us from speaking freely and quite loudly. The older of the two was the aunt; she listened to her niece’s update on recent life events then felt free to give her opinion on all of it. Every last detail got the “you should do this”, “he should not have done that”, “you woulda done better if…” There was not a single detail left on it’s own to marinate. And it was big stuff!…things I didn’t need my mind to catch snippets of

Those moments, when in the presence of another, offer a beautiful opportunity to be intentional…

.. to listen for the sake of hearing, not waiting to speak.

.. to pause, consider & support, not assume or jump to conclusions.

.. to be a conduit through which the Lord can love.

And if you’re on the other side of the table, remember that it is God who minds your steps, not the person hearing your heart. While they may give you loving thoughts and their very best wisdom, it is God who has gone before you to work in ways you (or they) cannot truly grasp. God doesn’t work according to what your friend is doing or what your neighbor says or even what every other person your age and in your circumstance has done and will do till the end of time.

His plan for you is unique because He knows you.

He formed you.

He designed every tiny detail of your being.

He has a plan for you that only He understands to the fullest. (Psalm 139, Jeremiah 29:11-13) Our purpose is towards the Lord, not others. (1Thessalonians 2:4)

God is not looking upon you with a ‘tsk, tsk, tsk’ and a ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’. God looks at you with a love that is unwavering! He looks at you with a delight that cannot be dimmed. He looks at you as His own, created in Christ Jesus for good works which God prepared beforehand (Ephesians 2:10).

Did you catch that word, ‘beforehand’?

God is intentional!

How can we possibly say to another that they ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’ when we know

God

is

at

work!!

and He works all things together for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)

All things.

Not just what we see as the biggies.

He cares about the most finite of details, right on down to the secret hopes and desires you dare not share with others, lest they not come to fruition.

When I pause to think about the many ways God has gone before me to protect, plan, prepare, provide… I am overwhelmed. And affirmed. Affirmed in my choice to ultimately trust HIM.

Share your heart with others.

Listen to their heart in return.

But trust the LORD to be the One who guides you through the twists and turns of your life. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Doing so, I have no doubt, will bless you beyond measure. (Ephesians 3:20)

❤